Fab Feb, challenge update......

This should be a report about my fear facing exploits scaling the impossibly high wall at the local indoor rock climbing joint. Alas it is not. Should I disclose my excuses for not going? I think not. They are super lame.... something along the lines of "I'm so tired.... the house is so messy". Yep lame.

I have not faced the fear, I have not even come close..... and lets not even talk about the SCUBA diving.... I mean really, a girl needs time to psych herself up for that kind of stuff.... and money, and I surely don't see much of that lying around lately.

I guess I had good intentions..... or did I? Did I pick two outrageous activities, a short time span (the shortest month of the year even) and then just assume they would happen because I blogged about it? Maybe.

I think this experience is pretty indicative of my weight loss attempts in the past. I start some crazy diet, embark on a ball breaking exercise routine, tell every one about it and then wait for it all to happen to me....... and then it doesn't, or it does for a few days and then I crumble, it really is inhumane to exclude carbs people. Really. I know. I've tried. Too many times.

I am doing it again, sure I'm feeling all proud and righteous about not starting a fad diet, and sticking to exercise I like and can actually do. But here I am sneaking in a goal that's a little out of reach right now, you know why? I do, so I can fail, Sabotaging Me will love it, she's been so quiet lately but I noticed this morning I could hear her smirking. She's looked at the calender, she knows February is nearly over, she's sitting there quietly waiting so she can jump out and yell "Ha Ha Ha. I knew it... you fool, as if you would ever go rock climbing.... and SCUBA diving! Ha. Really?......"

Then I would fall into a pit of despair, forget about all the realistic progress I have made and mope around feeling like a fraud.....

Well I'm sorry to tell you SM, the ruse is up. I know what you're at and it aint gunna fly down here at Healthy Lifestyle Be Kind to Yourself Ranch.... no sirree. Back to the drawing board lady, I'm on to you!

February continues........ watch this space for updates.

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it"
Robin Williams

Weigh Day

So it's the 1st of February today and the official end of January's Challenge. I woke early this morning drifting in and out of sleep, dreaming of weighing myself, sometimes I gained, sometimes I lost, most of the dreams ended just before I saw that number pop up. When I finally was awake enough to contemplate the task ahead I padded down the hall trying to work out if I hadn't already done this, the dreams seemed so real.

I got the Wii balance board all ready only to discover it had run out of batteries, damn! With my heart beating a little faster I pulled apart the remotes looking for the right ones. Batteries in place I followed the prompts and impatiently waited for the result.

A loss of 900gms...... hmm, disappointment surrounded me as I stood there staring at the screen. Can that be right? It's been six weeks. Shoulders slumped I crawled back into bed next to the sleeping Ninja and shed a tear or two. As I slipped back into dream land I felt the weight of a bad weigh day hit me and I thought "hmmmmm here it comes, maybe I can sleep through it?"

I woke up and had a chat to The Ninja about my disappointment, we talked about the time frame, that a two week Christmas New Year Holiday fell in my six weeks and that that time wasn't exactly spent with weight loss in mind, in fact I probably gained weight. I still felt a bit sad, then she came back, Sabotaging Me crept into my mind without a sound and said loud and clear "you can't do anything right, you're not even working right now, all you have to do is focus on weight loss and you can't even do that".

I could have fell down right there, I felt the pull into the abyss, I started stumbling toward the edge, I could feel my heart sinking, the tears rolling, the happiness of the last six weeks ebbing away. I mustered all my strength, came back to reality and said "NO!" SM scuttled away back into her cage. I'm facing today like any other day, I'm going to keep on keeping on, because that's all I can do, and I'm going to be proud of every gram of that 900 because that's 900gms in the right direction.

"Little by little one walks far"

Peruvian Proverb

5 tips on walking

What a morning! I've done some exercise, reviewed some Japanese, had breakfast, read all the blogs I love to read, done some measurements (lost 2 cm off the old waist) and organised some stuff I've been promising to do for weeks, maybe even stalked some people on Facebook. And it's only 930 AM. Just thought I'd mention my good doings, this feeling rarely lasts and I figure you gotta make the most of it while you can.

I do think that exercise has something to do with this burst of energy and focus, Facebook is all about the focus.... This last week I've been doing two things on the exercise front.

• I'm trying to form a habit by doing 15min minimum on the Wonderfully Fandangled Exercise Machine, before breakfast.
• Walk walk walk walk. I am a fan of walking, I get some of my best ideas pounding the pavement and I've been walking for at least an hour each day, you should hear some of my ideas, shame most revolve around what clothes I'll wear when I'm skinny rather than ways to make the money needed to buy said clothes.

I don't know if it's the endorphins, the car fumes or just getting out of the house, but I'm feeling good, SM has gone back into hiding and I feel like I can do this.

I know walking isn't the exercise of choice for alot of folks, but it's free, easy and doesn't involve mirrors and reflections of gym bunnies in lycra pumping iron, and that's the guys in my neck of the woods, don't even get me started on the gals. So for your reading pleasure I thought I'd give you my 5 top tips on walking.

1. Wear good shoes. I suffered for some time with plantar fasciitis and now fully appreciate the need for good shoes, and orthotics. Especially when walking in the City on all that concrete you need support for those arches.

2. Walk somewhere. I find this is what gets me out there, need to do some shopping, want to find some obscure book, give yourself a reason for walking, walking to work is always a winner. I also like to make the walk an event, there's some great coastal walks here that are always a total joy, not to mention a fab people perving experience.

3. Cover up. You don't want to get all stunning and lithe only to have the skin of an elephants arse on your face to deal with. Get out that dorky hat and slather on that greaseless sunscreen, no-one should ever wear that heavy duty sweat like you're in a sauna crap.

4. Walk at pace. it's no good strolling around the shops for an hour thinking you're doing yourself a favour. You gots ta sweat, and not just because you've got thick pasty sunscreen on, get that heart rate up and keep it up.

5. Stretch. Oh it's just a little walk, I hear you say, but if any of you could see my impersonation of an 80yr old woman shuffling down the hall in the mornings, you'd know that to stretch is to be comfortable, I mean look at Madonna, she stretches her shit all day long and she looking Hhot!

"All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking"
Nietzsche

Ganbatte Bunny-chan!

See look at that, I'm speaking Japanese already, ha! Ganbatte translates roughly to "go for it", so here I am cheering myself on.

The Inspired Wanderer sent me a great link about exercise requirements needed for weight loss yesterday. 60mins of moderate intensity per day is needed to get you and keep you looking trim and taut, some researchers even suggest up to 90mins of sweatarobics per day. Hmm, I guess my meager 15min on the Wonderfully Fandangled Exercise Machine and an occasional stroll up the shops isn't really cutting it.

Handy piece of info to have, crazy what my brain does when I get said info and try to process it through my chipped and rusty neurons. If you haven't already noticed, I seem to have a very strong self sabotaging switch that gets turned on rather regularly, and even though said switch flicked on last night I seem to have returned to the land of the living within record breaking time and even managed to do 60mins of exercise today. What is going on here, could it be? Could I be actually trying to change?

Just so you don't think I've turned into a super positive, crazy, together type, I'll let you in on what remains of the melodramatic me.

Input: 60min of exercise is required per day to lose weight

Stage 1: Hmmm an hour of exercise sure is more than what I'm doing right now, maybe I'll just increase it slowly.

Stage 2: (SM appears, she's been on holiday and is back with a tan and a mighty foul mouth) "Who are you kidding, you f#@ing loser of all losers, you won't even last the c#$@ing week doing the 15mins/day, and you dare to entertain the idea of b%$#dy increasing your exercise, HA! I laugh at you and your wobbly thighs Ha!"

Stage 3: Go to bed crying and feeling like a lost cause.

Stage 4: Get up in the middle of the night, freak out about having gestational diabetes (note, there is no impending pregnancy, just midnight madness) do some research online and freak out some more, go back to bed dreaming of my diabetic offspring and their medical bills.

Now what usually happens here is a period of a few days to a week of feeling pretty shit about life, eating like a newly released POW, with the idea of exercise being not much more than watching Run Lola Run. But something strange happened last night, it could have been the cool breeze, maybe it was the clean sheets, but a whole new stage emerged, and I am awed by it's simplicity and it's courage.

Stage 5: Wake up feeling determined to rid myself of the risk of gestational diabetes, and endeavor to do 60mins of exercise today.

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anybody can start today and make a new ending"
Maria Robinson

5 Things I'm Proud of Today #1

As I went through the motions on my Wonderfully Fandangled Exercise Machine this morning, I thought I must have put in 3 hours rather than 30 mins because each second seemed to drag on like a Celine Dion concert. How does this happen I ask you, why does 30mins spent exercising seem so much longer than 30mins spent doing something else, like eating or napping, or watching an episode of Flight of the Conchords?

Despite the complaining, I am proud that I did some exercise and on that note, I thought I'd introduce my new technique of mind altering, self styled, behavior modification. I am told, by the beautiful Ms Netherlands, who also happens to be a psychologist, that this style of mind bending is named Cognitive Behavior Therapy, for all those interested. Anyway, this thing that I thought up is called 5 Things I'm Proud of Today (not to be confused with the insightful and hilarious 5 Things That Piss Me Off Today as authored by The Fabulous A).

I started doing this when Sabotaging Me was keeping me up at night with her ranting. To keep her quiet I forced myself to think of 5 things I'd done that day that I was proud of, they can be absolutely anything, but the rules are that they have to be positive, they have to be written down or spoken aloud, and if I start on the self flagellation routine I have to think of an extra thing to be proud of.

Some examples include:

• I'm proud of myself for starting and sharing this blog
• I'm proud of myself for doing the washing
• I'm proud of myself for walking to the shops instead of driving

A variation that developed over time was taking an instance that I would have normally chastised myself for and finding something in that situation that I was proud of, for example, I'm proud that I exercised portion control when I went out to eat tantalising curries with The Soul Sister and The Bodacious Bro-inlaw, instead of how SM would've put it, "you fat loser, you ate Indian, there's so much oil and grease, you over did the carbs and that garlic cheese naan is going to mark your body for an eternity".

It's a funny thing, when I do this I can actually feel SM squirm in her cage, at the beginning I feel self-conscious and awkward, but by number 5 I'm thinking "woo-hoo I'm alright" and at times, if you listen really carefully, you might even hear me think "Yippeee, I'm fricken awesome!"

"I loathe narcissism, but I approve of vanity"
Diana Vreeland

Coming down......

There's the initial rush of conformity, the high of a decent loss and then the concept of the road that lies ahead sets in, and you really do come down from that feeling of being able to change your world. Sabotaging Me trots out in her high heels and reminds me that I've been here before, this feeling of potential achievement has crashed down before and she glowingly reminds me how that went.

My dearest J Rose, who is such an inspiration in the weight loss stakes, recently emailed me her support and said there isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't struggle with this battle, and she's right. There are ALWAYS temptations, opportunities to slip up or not bother, whether it's the sweets The Patron Saint of My Current Existence brings back from Japan, or the fact that The Folks are visiting for the weekend, I am always going to have to make choices, and at times, those choices seem hard to make.

The Ninja is always reminding me I'm too hard on myself, that SM comes out way to often to drag me down into a pit of apathy and resignation. Why is it that we hold on to our SM's? Why can't we all just let them run free together in some land inside our heads, beating each other up until all that is left is a few blobs of subconsciousness, wibble wobbling on the floor like jelly on a plate. Why do we love them so?

As I sit here with SM rattling her cage desperate to get out, I remember all the other times I have let her at me, all the times I've made a choice that has meant that I haven't got what I wanted, and I think maybe it's time to let her go. Not lock her up so that she can find a way to escape later and catch me by surprise, but really let her go. I'm not sure how to do it yet so for now I'm just going to keep on keeping on, go through the motions and see where that takes me.

"We are what we repeatedly do.
Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit"
Aristotle

The Secret......

Where does that feeling come from? That feeling of restlessness that won't quit until you've fed it enough to put yourself into a coma. It's a hard feeling to fight, you drink water, you do exercise, you watch mind numbingly stupid movies, but it persists like a telemarketer with a death wish. I fed it tonight, cheese on toast, washed down with cups of tea to try and blunt the gnawing emptiness that just goes on and on.

Now the self appointed new-age emotional healers out there would say that I must have some deep psychological need that's not being met, that I should nurture my inner child, perhaps I need to get some aura cleansing or attend a re-birthing workshop so I can rid myself of my Mother's issues. Yeah well after some naval gazing I stopped myself from watching a performance from the You're Broken and Can't Be Fixed Choir featuring Sabotaging Me as the guest soprano, and realised the error in my ways.

Ladies and Gentlemen I'm about to reveal the big secret, no you don't have to buy my E-Book to find out, nor do you have to subscribe to my wonderfully regular emails claiming you will lose 25kgs in 2 weeks if you purchase said E-Book. My secret is simple, boring and something we've all heard before *drum-roll*
Eat Breakfast. Wow, earth shattering, ground breaking stuff going on here.

To other, more sensible people, this may seem rather simple, but for a long time resident of Crazy Town, this is a revelation of biblical proportions, you can't imagine my relief when I realised my totally suppressed deep psychic damage was really just a simple need for some porridge.

"There is nothing as deceptive as an obvious fact"
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Making friends with The Exercise

While the Patron Saint of My Current Existence is off in Japan tending to Obaachan, I've had the pleasure of looking after The Beasts. Let me tell you, dogs take effort, don't go getting a puppy for your kids at Christmas thinking it's going to be easy, they need to be walked EVERY day, rain, hail or shine, not to mention the unmentionables you need to deal with. Believe it or not they do get picky about where they are walking too, no going down the same road day after day to the sad looking park at the end of the street, these Beasts demand quality. So to mix things up a bit, I've been getting up and taking them to The Big Exciting Park every morning.

At first I was just strolling around, avoiding the hills and thinking to myself, look at you out every morning in the fresh air getting your daily exercise. After a week I thought to myself, this is good but maybe it's time to pick up the pace. So after some consideration I stared to walk a bit faster and even went up the hills. Wowser, talk about a shock. I think I must have developed asthma during The Year of The Zombie, because I sounded like a life time smoker in desperate need of a tracheotomy. The most depressing part was I used to actually run around this park, well jog may be a more appropriate term. Here I was lugging my thunderous thighs up the hills getting overtaken by The Little Beast, who is at least 60 in dog years and not too svelte himself.

Sabotaging Me came out in full force "Look at you, you lazy arse, you've been so lazy that you've actually got asthma, now you'll never ever be able to exercise ever again, you'll be a fat loser forever!" I gathered up all my strength and did my best Bush listening to the public impression I could muster, and ignored SM.

I'm still going to the park every morning, I'm even jogging up one of the hills, and doing some step ups on a low wall. Surprise surprise, I've stopped wheezing so much and it's only been a few weeks :)

"For the loser now will be later to win, for the times they are a-changin"
Bob Dylan

But it's too hard......

This is often my battle cry when I'm losing the fight, it's rather lacking in it's Braveheart type inspiration. I'll say this over and over again at many junctures until I convince myself that it really is too hard and lay back down on the couch and read some trashy magazine to lift my spirits.

This is how some of those scenarios go:


Hopeful me: So I guess I should get up and do some exercise now, it's a beautiful day and The Beasts would love to go for a walk in the park.
Sabotaging me: The park is so far away, I'm sure I should check Facebook again and you know, it's just too hard.......

HM: There's plenty of food in the fridge to whip up a tasty lunch to take to work tomorrow that way I'm not led astray by the smell of the deep fryer
SM: It will take soooo long to make lunch and it will be so easy to just buy something, that next show on TV will be really good, I guess it's too hard really.

HM: Today is a new day, I'm going to look after myself and be happy.
SM: Who are you kidding, be happy? That's way too hard, besides there's left over cake in the fridge for breakfast.

You see the pattern? The thing is I've tried and tried to stop using the hardness factor as an excuse, I even wore an elastic band around my wrist and flicked it every time I said it was too hard, to try the pain with association thing, all I got out of that were welts. I mean, really, it's just too hard (ha!). So I've devised a new plan, based on absolutely no amount of research on any kind of psychological behavior modification techniques, just me, my brilliant brain and too much time on my hands. The Plan: remember something I've done that was actually hard and think of that when I start to chant my "it's too hard" mantra.

This is how it went......

HM: Wow, it's so warm let's pick The Ninja up from work and go for a swim at the beach.
SM: But it's too hard, I have to put my swimmers on and get in the car and drive there.
HM: That's not hard, working night shift for a year and studying full-time, that was hard, this is nothing.
SM: Oh yeah

HM: I've got all those veges in the fridge I'll make a stir fry for dinner and steam some fish just the way I like it.
SM: Awww but that's way too hard, I have to chop the veges and put them in the wok and peel the garlic and slice the ginger for the fish.
HM: That's not hard, diving into a freezing cold river in the middle of winter when all your instincts are telling you not to, that was hard, this is a piece of cake (wholemeal, fat and taste free of course!).
SM: Damn, you got me.

HM: I'm going to keep a food diary because I know it keeps me on track and it's a great way to assess what's really going on.
SM: That is way way too hard, I have to write down everything I eat everyday, there's no way I can keep that up, it's so hard I shouldn't even bother starting.
HM: No way, that's not hard, trekking across an island with an 17kg pack in the 38 degree heat, that was hard, this is, well, a piece of piss.
SM: Geez, I give up, but this isn't the last you'll hear of me *evil laugh*

Surprisingly simple yet powerfully effective, I really have no excuse now. Let's see how that goes.

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity"
Albert Einstein

By the way I lost 1.4kg this week :)