28 November 2008

Coming down......

There's the initial rush of conformity, the high of a decent loss and then the concept of the road that lies ahead sets in, and you really do come down from that feeling of being able to change your world. Sabotaging Me trots out in her high heels and reminds me that I've been here before, this feeling of potential achievement has crashed down before and she glowingly reminds me how that went.

My dearest J Rose, who is such an inspiration in the weight loss stakes, recently emailed me her support and said there isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't struggle with this battle, and she's right. There are ALWAYS temptations, opportunities to slip up or not bother, whether it's the sweets The Patron Saint of My Current Existence brings back from Japan, or the fact that The Folks are visiting for the weekend, I am always going to have to make choices, and at times, those choices seem hard to make.

The Ninja is always reminding me I'm too hard on myself, that SM comes out way to often to drag me down into a pit of apathy and resignation. Why is it that we hold on to our SM's? Why can't we all just let them run free together in some land inside our heads, beating each other up until all that is left is a few blobs of subconsciousness, wibble wobbling on the floor like jelly on a plate. Why do we love them so?

As I sit here with SM rattling her cage desperate to get out, I remember all the other times I have let her at me, all the times I've made a choice that has meant that I haven't got what I wanted, and I think maybe it's time to let her go. Not lock her up so that she can find a way to escape later and catch me by surprise, but really let her go. I'm not sure how to do it yet so for now I'm just going to keep on keeping on, go through the motions and see where that takes me.

"We are what we repeatedly do.
Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit

24 November 2008

The Secret......

Where does that feeling come from? That feeling of restlessness that won't quit until you've fed it enough to put yourself into a coma. It's a hard feeling to fight, you drink water, you do exercise, you watch mind numbingly stupid movies, but it persists like a telemarketer with a death wish. I fed it tonight, cheese on toast, washed down with cups of tea to try and blunt the gnawing emptiness that just goes on and on.

Now the self appointed new-age emotional healers out there would say that I must have some deep psychological need that's not being met, that I should nurture my inner child, perhaps I need to get some aura cleansing or attend a re-birthing workshop so I can rid myself of my Mother's issues. Yeah well after some naval gazing I stopped myself from watching a performance from the You're Broken and Can't Be Fixed Choir featuring Sabotaging Me as the guest soprano, and realised the error in my ways.

Ladies and Gentlemen I'm about to reveal the big secret, no you don't have to buy my E-Book to find out, nor do you have to subscribe to my wonderfully regular emails claiming you will lose 25kgs in 2 weeks if you purchase said E-Book. My secret is simple, boring and something we've all heard before *drum-roll*
Eat Breakfast. Wow, earth shattering, ground breaking stuff going on here.

To other, more sensible people, this may seem rather simple, but for a long time resident of Crazy Town, this is a revelation of biblical proportions, you can't imagine my relief when I realised my totally suppressed deep psychic damage was really just a simple need for some porridge.

"There is nothing as deceptive as an obvious fact"
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

22 November 2008

Making friends with The Exercise

While the Patron Saint of My Current Existence is off in Japan tending to Obaachan, I've had the pleasure of looking after The Beasts. Let me tell you, dogs take effort, don't go getting a puppy for your kids at Christmas thinking it's going to be easy, they need to be walked EVERY day, rain, hail or shine, not to mention the unmentionables you need to deal with. Believe it or not they do get picky about where they are walking too, no going down the same road day after day to the sad looking park at the end of the street, these Beasts demand quality. So to mix things up a bit, I've been getting up and taking them to The Big Exciting Park every morning.

At first I was just strolling around, avoiding the hills and thinking to myself, look at you out every morning in the fresh air getting your daily exercise. After a week I thought to myself, this is good but maybe it's time to pick up the pace. So after some consideration I stared to walk a bit faster and even went up the hills. Wowser, talk about a shock. I think I must have developed asthma during The Year of The Zombie, because I sounded like a life time smoker in desperate need of a tracheotomy. The most depressing part was I used to actually run around this park, well jog may be a more appropriate term. Here I was lugging my thunderous thighs up the hills getting overtaken by The Little Beast, who is at least 60 in dog years and not too svelte himself.

Sabotaging Me came out in full force "Look at you, you lazy arse, you've been so lazy that you've actually got asthma, now you'll never ever be able to exercise ever again, you'll be a fat loser forever!" I gathered up all my strength and did my best Bush listening to the public impression I could muster, and ignored SM.

I'm still going to the park every morning, I'm even jogging up one of the hills, and doing some step ups on a low wall. Surprise surprise, I've stopped wheezing so much and it's only been a few weeks :)

"For the loser now will be later to win, for the times they are a-changin"
Bob Dylan

20 November 2008

But it's too hard......

This is often my battle cry when I'm losing the fight, it's rather lacking in it's Braveheart type inspiration. I'll say this over and over again at many junctures until I convince myself that it really is too hard and lay back down on the couch and read some trashy magazine to lift my spirits.

This is how some of those scenarios go:

Hopeful me: So I guess I should get up and do some exercise now, it's a beautiful day and The Beasts would love to go for a walk in the park.
Sabotaging me: The park is so far away, I'm sure I should check Facebook again and you know, it's just too hard.......

HM: There's plenty of food in the fridge to whip up a tasty lunch to take to work tomorrow that way I'm not led astray by the smell of the deep fryer
SM: It will take soooo long to make lunch and it will be so easy to just buy something, that next show on TV will be really good, I guess it's too hard really.

HM: Today is a new day, I'm going to look after myself and be happy.
SM: Who are you kidding, be happy? That's way too hard, besides there's left over cake in the fridge for breakfast.

You see the pattern? The thing is I've tried and tried to stop using the hardness factor as an excuse, I even wore an elastic band around my wrist and flicked it every time I said it was too hard, to try the pain with association thing, all I got out of that were welts. I mean, really, it's just too hard (ha!). So I've devised a new plan, based on absolutely no amount of research on any kind of psychological behavior modification techniques, just me, my brilliant brain and too much time on my hands. The Plan: remember something I've done that was actually hard and think of that when I start to chant my "it's too hard" mantra.

This is how it went......

HM: Wow, it's so warm let's pick The Ninja up from work and go for a swim at the beach.
SM: But it's too hard, I have to put my swimmers on and get in the car and drive there.
HM: That's not hard, working night shift for a year and studying full-time, that was hard, this is nothing.
SM: Oh yeah

HM: I've got all those veges in the fridge I'll make a stir fry for dinner and steam some fish just the way I like it.
SM: Awww but that's way too hard, I have to chop the veges and put them in the wok and peel the garlic and slice the ginger for the fish.
HM: That's not hard, diving into a freezing cold river in the middle of winter when all your instincts are telling you not to, that was hard, this is a piece of cake (wholemeal, fat and taste free of course!).
SM: Damn, you got me.

HM: I'm going to keep a food diary because I know it keeps me on track and it's a great way to assess what's really going on.
SM: That is way way too hard, I have to write down everything I eat everyday, there's no way I can keep that up, it's so hard I shouldn't even bother starting.
HM: No way, that's not hard, trekking across an island with an 17kg pack in the 38 degree heat, that was hard, this is, well, a piece of piss.
SM: Geez, I give up, but this isn't the last you'll hear of me *evil laugh*

Surprisingly simple yet powerfully effective, I really have no excuse now. Let's see how that goes.

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity"
Albert Einstein

By the way I lost 1.4kg this week :)

13 November 2008

We'll start with the truth.....

I'm just going to come out and say it, I want to be skinny. I don't mean knee knocking, bones poking through your skin supermodel skinny, I mean, I still eat sometimes skinny. I want to look like those girls who appear fabulous, effortless, gorgeous, you know the ones. Now don't think me a fool, I'm more than aware of the fact that your happiness isn't necessarily related to your dress size, but this whole blogging thing is an exercise in being honest, so let's get real here, most of us out there want to be thinner, me included.

After re-gaining a hard lost 20kgs, pushing my BMI well into the obese category and my self esteem into the underworld, I've decided it's time for a change. I had this crazy idea that if I studied nutrition I would get all the answers, lose weight and be happy *dah-dah*. Well I couldn't be further from the truth. Geez folks who wouldda thought?! You have to get up off your hail damaged arse and actually DO something before the fat-free fairy comes along and magics away your self-loathing and rather large thighs.

So here I am, armed with some knowledge and 20 years of fat thinking and living. My goal? To lose about 40kgs and re-gain nothing more than my self-esteem and a sense that I am much more than that number on the scales.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"
Lao-Tzu, Chinese Taoist Philosopher .