"We work in the dark-we do what we can-we give what we have. Our doubt is our passion, and our passion is out task. The rest is the madness of art"
Welcome once again to Weight Loss Weekly, a collaborative blogging effort between Joie, Sunny, Nurit and myself. Each week one of us asks a question related to weight loss and we all post our thoughts. This week was my turn, and this is what I had to ask the girls.....
You've got a big event coming up, and your still not at a "happy weight", how do you combat those feelings of self doubt and have a good time without getting caught up in the "I'm so fat, I look so bad" crazy talk running around in your head?
This is a tricky one for me, something I have yet to conquer. It's a battle from the moment I find out about an upcoming event or occasion, I instantly calculate how much weight I could lose between now and then.
It's obsessive, it's unhealthy and it's bloody boring.
I have been fighting this very situation for the last few weeks, anticipating the the wedding of my dearest darling friend K Anne, in which I was part of the bridal party. This is why I suggested the question to my fellow Weight Loss Weekly bloggers. I need help with this one.
K Anne had a fabulous wedding, and I had a ball, all I can say is thank the Gods for control top underwear and champagne.
It's really the time leading up to the event that's most fraught with self doubt and the much loved crazy talk that I need help with. The shopping trip to find the outfit, torturous and panic stricken. I seem to be in this no-mans land of sizes, just too small for the plus sizes and way out of range for the sizes deemed "normal". While I'm on that topic, what's up with plus sized formal wear, who designs that stuff? Why, just because you are of the wider thighs, would any woman want to be seen frolicking around in the elasticized waisted, sequined soaked , batwing sleeved creations that seem to dominate the racks? Why I ask you, why?
Moving on to the crucial weeks preceding the big day, the ones when I should be on the latest "Hollywood" diet, one that has broiled chicken breast featured quite heavily and a few steamed veges tossed in for effect. I should also probably be getting acquainted with my local beauty salon, getting some stinky seaweed body wrap type treatments that promise to melt away the inches. Do I do this? No. It seems I don't have this celebrityesque type determination nor vision, I carry on meandering around with no sense of urgency spurring me on.
Finally it gets to peak preparation time and I go back to my calculations of miraculous weight loss and find I am in much the same state as before. I panic, freak-out, break down and start to lose myself in my own head.
Now all of this definitely went on leading up to my darling K Anne's big wedding day. Finally the day came and I arrived, caught up with old friends and K's adorable family and the feelings of craziness ebbed away. I still tried to stuff myself into two pairs of control top underwear in a last minute attempt to appear svelte, and I still teetered on the brink of self loathing but I must say I held up OK.
You see the thing I realised as I walked down the aisle clutching my bouquet, holding back the tears, is that there are much better and bigger things to be thinking about in life, and most people are thinking them. No one was looking at me, pointing and thinking "oooh she looks fat" as I feared. Most people in that chapel where waiting for K to walk through the doors in all her bridal splendor, some people were thinking, "My baby girl is getting married", others were thinking "My son has met the girl of his dreams" and a few, perhaps even my own wonderful Boyf, were thinking "hmmmm I wonder what the food will be like".
As I sat at the bridal table, listening to the speeches, and watched my oldest friend look into her husbands eyes, I silenced that voice in my head, and reminded myself, that this was my life, right now, this was to be one of my treasured memories, and I wanted to remember it for what it was.
Am I cured of the crazy talk? Am I to never ponder my appearance again, live in a Zen like state of empty vesselness? I doubt it, but I will try to be less fearful and more positive, and if all else fails, I will always wear ridiculous shoes, because concentrating on not falling over is a great way to keep my mind still.
Now over to my girls and their wise words....
Sunny: The problem for me isn't so much that I can't have a good time because I'm so worried about how I look. The hardest part is actually before... when I'm trying to pick out what to wear! Keep reading at www.ThatExtra20Pounds.blogspot.com
Nurit: Every time I need to dress up before date night, get out of my usual T-shirt and jeans and put on something nicer looking, I find that I have nothing to wear. Sound familiar? Read more on 1 family. friendly. food.
Joie: Fortunately, I have always had pretty healthy self-esteem. Unfortunately, this is probably why I allowed myself to gain so much weight!" Read more at Joie de vivre: An amateur gourmet's guide
And you? Any tips or thoughts? Any sure fired cures to the crazy talk? Are you too plagued by the pre-event blues? Comment away, I'll be there listening and learning.